Bringing a Sibling Home.
So, first off, congratulations! You’ve either just welcomed a new baby into the house, or you’re about to
shortly. What wonderful news!'
And congratulations once again on getting your older baby sleeping soundly through the night, and
taking long, rejuvenating naps during the day! Look at you, absolutely killing it at this parenting thing!
But now you’re concerned that this new arrival might upend all of the hard work you and your little one
have done to develop those independent sleep skills and get them sleeping on a consistent, predictable
schedule..
Well, it’s not often I’m able to give such a definitive answer to any kind of pediatric, sleep-related
question, but in this case, I can pretty confidently tell you that... yeah. You are more than likely in for a
challenge.
Purchase a gift that the baby gives the older child when the older child meets baby for the first time.
I’m not saying it’s 100% for certain, but bringing a new baby into the house is very likely to impact your
older child’s sleep habits in one way or another, and there are two big reasons why.
1. Your newborn is going to wake up numerous times a night and make some noise, which is
likely to wake up your toddler.
2. Your toddler’s going to be jealous of the new baby.
So let’s look at number one first. There’s going to be a noise factor when your newborn wakes up crying
for nighttime feeds.
Have your toddler in their own, in a cot, preferably down a hallway as far away as possible from your
newborn’s sleeping area.
A white noise machine can also help to drown out the noise. I actually prefer brown noise. Just make
sure to keep the volume level under 60 dBA, and have it in between the cot and the door.
Depending on their age and comprehension skills, it’s also a great idea to just have a conversation with
your toddler about the fact that their sibling is going to wake up crying in the night sometimes, and let
them know it’s nothing to worry about and just go back to sleep.
Unless you’ are exceptionally lucky, your toddler is going to get jealous of their sibling. After all,
newborns require a lot of attention, attention which was all directed at your toddler up until their brother
or sister came along.
Jealousy is likely going to cause a regression, prompting your toddler to crave the comforts they enjoyed
when they were the new kid on the block. Such as...
More requests for cuddles
If they’re in a big kid bed, they may ask to go back into the crib
They might want to sleep in your bed or in your room
Neediness and clinginess during the bedtime routine
The most common reason this can affect sleep is because one or both of the parents start feeling guilty
about the fact that they don’t have the time and energy to dedicate to both children, so they try to
compensate by making concessions, and those concessions frequently show up around bedtime. Extra
stories, longer cuddles, getting into bed with them, and so on.
Let me just say, I get it. Parental guilt is a powerful motivator, and we will do almost anything to ensure
our kids know that they are loved and secure. If a couple of extra stories at bedtime will help ensure our
babies that they’re still #1 in our hearts, why wouldn’t we accommodate them?
Kids of this age test boundaries almost incessantly, but they don’t test them in the hopes that they are
moved, they test them to ensure that they are still in place. It gives them a sense of security to know that
the rules and expectations surrounding them are constant and predictable.
I know it doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but I can assure you that the more you give in to those
demands, the more they will ask for. It often gets to the point where your toddler feels like they are
running the show, and that can actually be very distressing for them. They feel much more secure and
relaxed with the confidence that their parents are in control.
So if and when this situation comes up, I would recommend that you keep everything around bedtime
exactly as it was before the new baby showed up. Same bedtime, same bedtime routine, same number
of stories, same sleeping conditions. If you start moving boundaries, it’s only going to reinforce your
toddler’s suspicion that things have changed, and that’s likely to bring on more insecurity.
During the day, however, I would suggest carving out a chunk of time reserved just for your toddler 1:1,
particularly with mum. It doesn’t have to be long, even 20 - 30 minutes is great, but make sure that your
attention is focused solely on them. Let them decide what they want to do with the time, and feel free to
just smother them with love and attention. This “you-and-me” time works wonders in reassuring your
older child that they’re still at the center of your universe, even if they’re sometimes sharing the space
with someone else.
Also, try not to use the baby as an excuse when your older child ask something of you, for example you
are feeding the baby and your older child asks for something and you can’t do that right away, think of a
great distracting sentence to get you through the feed and do what they have asked, try not to say, I can’t
because I am feeding the baby.
Remember, when that sense of guilt starts to creep in, you’re not being a bad parent by refusing to bend
to your toddler’s will. You’re doing what’s best for them, and staying firm and sticking to the rules is the
secret to a happy, secure, firmly-attached child, even if your gut tells you otherwise in the moment.
Making those tough calls for the good of your kids is what being an awesome parent is all about.
